DRACULA

I’ll never be an emo vampire, setting tweenage hearts on fire.

I’ve got nothing in common with the vampires of today.

They gaze at girls and pout and brood, and then just run away.

 

This Twilight hack thinks she can come along and change the vampire rules.

I guess sleeping in coffins and wearing capes, suddenly isn’t cool.

Girls won’t climb up trees with me or canoodle on the grass.

And when I play vampire baseball, I always get picked last.

DRACULETTES: (@ 51 seconds)

Vampire’s Chillin’, people whinin' Drac is hurt, we hear him cryin'?
Can you help us stop the breech? We bite your neck & you don’t screech?

Darlin, Darlin, Darlin help us - We need guidance, need a shove
'Cause Count Dracula is questionin' Where is the love?

 

DRACULA (Spoken) Oh, come on! Seriously dude! That’s a human you just picked over me. I run 45 mph, how fast does she run? You want to win this game or not – huh?

 

I’ve charmed all kinds of women from all over the world.

But now the only dates I get are with chunky gothic girls.

When did all these vampires become so annoying and so whiny?

When I walk out into the sun, I don’t get all bright and shiny.

 

Vampires don’t do Tinder posts and how my dating suffers.

If I can’t date these high-school girls, perhaps then I’m going to date their mothers.

(Spoken) Why not? When you’re 600 years old, there’s no such thing as a cougar.

(Flirts w/ women in audience, blows kiss, call me)

I’ll have no participation, in this vampire emasculation.

So please wake me up world, when you decide to grow a pair . . . of fangs.

DRACULETTES: (@ 2.03)

Vampire’s Chillin’, people whinin' Drac is hurt, we hear him cryin'?
Can you help us stop the breech? We bite your neck & you don’t screech?

Darlin, Darlin, Darlin help us - We need guidance, need a shove
'Cause Count Dracula is questionin' - Where is the love? The love, the love….